Ladies and gentlemen, Gossip Girl is back to its regular, entertaining self.
Remember how crappy seasons 4 and 5 were? Well, so do I. The show jumped the shark when they had Blair date Prince Louis of Monaco, Dan fall head over heels in love with Blair (who, before, he's always hated), Chuck try to impress Fleur Delacour (I'm not sure what her real name is...) and Nate and Serena... well. I don't actually know what they did. That's how insignificant they were. But it's okay; season 4 wasn't a total disaster. It even ended on a semi-good note, with Chuck manning up and maturing, Blair finally getting her happy ending (even if losing Chuck was "the wrong goodbye"... sigh), and the others doing whatever it is they do. I was okay with it. I rolled with the punches.
And then... season 5 began. Blair's pregnant, Dan's obsessively in love with her, Chuck is pining over losing Blair to the asshole Louis, Nate's sleeping with the 40-year-old British slut in charge of his company, and Serena's in freaking Los Angeles being the assistant to some movie producer. Like... wtf?! Do these kids go to college? Because I'm pretty sure they were all- sans Chuck- enrolled in college at one point... What happened to that? Blair gets pregnant and wants the baby to be Chuck's, but it's Louis's so she decides to go on with the wedding anyway, even though she doesn't love him, she loves Chuck and then there's Dan and he's so obsessed with Blair, but he knows she loves Chuck so he sets them up and they get back together for like two hours before they're both in a car accident and then she loses the baby and almost loses Chuck and makes a pact with God that she won't get back together with Chuck and she'll marry Louis and she does but Louis says it's all for publicity so she runs away with Dan, starts a relationship with him but worries that, and I quote directly from Waldorf's diary, "she'll never love Dan as much as she loves Chuck" so that relationship falls to shit and then he goes off to Italy with Georgina and Blair tells Chuck she loves him and he says he can't get distracted by her and goes to Monte Carlo, where she follows him and says she's "all in" with her bet on them. Ahhhh! And Serena and Nate are basically unimportant/nonexistant.
Like... what the actual fuck?! What was that?! That whole season made zero sense and frankly, I was just embarrassed the whole time watching it. The characters were all making decisions their season 1 & 2 selves wouldn't make. Where was fierce, attitudinal Blair who knew what she wanted and didn't take shit from anybody? Where was calm, rational, sweet Dan who put his friends' happiness above his own and didn't let the Upper East Side influence his decisions? Where in the world were Serena and Nate in general? And Chuck... don't even get me started. He started out strong and changed, reformed even. But the minute his father came back, it's like none of that character growth ever happened. He reverted back to his season 1 self- the bad boy, the asshole. Ugh. It made me cringe the entire time.
But no worries, friends. Because Josh Safran is gone and so is season five. Baby, welcome back to the real Gossip Girl with season 6, episode 1: "Gone Maybe Gone."
Where to begin, where to begin? I guess we'll start where the show did- with Dan and Georgina, an unlikely but nonetheless hilarious pairing, in Italy, Nate in NYC at The Spectator trying to locate the real Gossip Girl, and, of course, Blair and Chuck definitely back together in Monte Carlo. These two are just... You never would have expected them to be having sex in Monte Carlo, let's just put it that way. They left things very open-ended; Chuck didn't want to get back together with her at the end of season five, but Blair followed him overseas and told him she'd fight for him, for their relationship. And, well, fight she apparently did- things were getting pretty hot and heavy in Monte Carlo, if you know what I mean.
So then the drama begins- of course. Lily and Bart come back from a summer romp on a yacht and realize Serena hasn't been heard from or seen all summer. Lily wonders, and I quote, "How could I have thought it was okay to go all summer without actually speaking to my daughter?" And I laughed out loud and replied, "BECAUSE YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!" I mean, really. Who goes that long without making contact with their own offspring? What an idiot. Anyway, she then pretends to be concerned about Serena's whereabouts, but A) too little, too late, and B) she isn't even the one who finds her, let alone makes an effort to look. She instead contacts Nate, who calls Blair, who calls Dan, but really gets Georgina, and suddenly, all our favorite Upper East Siders are back in NYC.
Before all the shit can go down with finding Serena, Chuck and Blair have a little stare-down and chat about how hard it's been to be away from each other. This is where we learn that after their steamy make-up in Monte Carlo, they had made a pact to not make their relationship official until they both settled their issues apart first- Blair has to figure out how to run her mother's company, Waldorf Designs, and Chuck has to somehow get Bass Industries back under his control. Their logic is that they've only distracted the other when it came to business in the past (let's not repeat the whole selling Blair for a hotel debacle, okay?) so they figure if they can sort their issues now, there will be nothing standing in their way later, nothing keeping them apart. This is highly logical for two people who have never used logic in their relationship before. Nice work, guys.
So then the Serena hunt begins. Nate sells the video of Gossip Girl back to the actual Gossip Girl in exchange for Serena's whereabouts and, at a gas station, Georgina and Dan see the infamous Bass limo and follow them to Poughkeepsie, where Serena- oops, I mean Sabrina- is playing housewife to Matt Camden. I kid you not. She's lied to Matt (okay in the show his name is Steven and he's played by Barry Watson, but come on. He was on 7th Heaven, he'll never not be Matt Camden) and told him she's from Wisconsin and attended Vassar. Okay. Like Serena could ever get into Vassar (Dan asks later, "Wisconsin? Do you even know where that is on a map?" Good one, Humphrey). Everyone's super confused because this is so not Serena... so they do what they do best. They crash the wedding going on- even though it's not Serena's wedding- and tell all of her lifelong secrets to the bored and uninterested guests. Stay classy, gang.
So they all argue and Dan gets slapped by both Blair and Serena and it's hilarious both times. Afterward, Dan gets super pissed because he realizes that Blair left him for Chuck even though she's not even technically with Chuck. Blair explains their pact and Dan says that their entire relationship is not the "epic love" they think it is, but instead, it's all just a bunch of "excuses." Blair may think Dan has a point, but I think he's a little bitter, wouldn't you say? Oh Lonely Boy. You'll make it through the heartache, just you wait. After, Blair apologizes to Serena for being a complete bitch at the end of last season and that they are "stuck with each other" as best friends blah blah blah. I've seen this before; this is seriously the eighteenth time they've broken up and gotten back together as best friends. Except this time, there's a twist! Serena tells Blair she doesn't want to be "stuck" with her and that she wants a fresh start. Oh shit. Can't blame her, though. I mean, I'm not saying she's completely blameless, but everyone was pretty awful to Serena the past season. She deserves a fresh start.
So then everyone goes back to NYC. Nate meets with this girl who looks exactly like Vanessa (remember Vanessa?!), but way younger and not as good of an actress. She says she's in college but newsflash Nate: she's in high school. That will definitely not stop him from sleeping with her, though, and they leave to have a drink. Chuck and Blair are riding home in the back of his limo (ohhhh memories... ;) Am I right?) and Blair asks Chuck if the pact they made is really just an excuse to not be together, a la Dan Humphrey. Chuck tells her that he wants to be the man she deserves and needs to focus on maturing for her before they can do anything. So adorable. Also he's in a bow tie, so added bonus. Then he tugs on the necklace she's wearing to reveal the engagement ring he bought her three years ago and says, "It won't be long now. I promise." I died a little, I'm not going to lie. :D
And that's how the episode ends... kind of. For those of you who watched, notice how I left out the most boring storyline- Ivy manipulates Rufus to take down Lily. I can't even... who cares?! And also, can you refund me the meal I lost after watching the final scene in the episode? Dan walking into the loft to find Rufus and Ivy cuddling, post-coital? BLEGH. I think I went a little blind, not going to lie. So that storyline was boring and Rufus is an idiot ("We raise good girls" he ironically tells Lily in reference to their awful basket cases for daughters, Serena and Jenny) and he and Ivy?! Oh my god. So, so gross.
But other than that, the storylines were great, the characters were back to their normal selves, and those one-liners slayed me.
It's official; Gossip Girl is back. :)
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